Racers of Sheltowee Extreme II 48 Hour,
I send this warning in addition to last year's note. I forgot to bring long pants when I went down to Cave Run Lake recently to help Stephanie Ross set a few checkpoints. I thought that last year's calamities were due, in large part, to a lack of constant motion. This turns out to be crap. The nasty little nasty little seed ticks once again took advantage of my nudistic mistake. I say to you very clearly and bluntly: Wear Everything You Own. All of your clothes, skintight, skin loose, skinny, wide. Coats, ski masks, goggles, monocles, light days pads, thermarest pads. Soak in deet, slather your soul with as much sludge from the Gulf Spill as to be measured in centimeters, not merely millimeters. Wear garbage bags, boxes, aluminum foil, television sets and carpet scraps. Make reservations at your favorite hospital for a drug-induced coma so you can lay low till the heat is off (till the situation cools down.)
After just 8 hours in woods, I spent over an hour picking the little bastards off my partner, Katy, with a tweezers and my high powered reading glasses. The damage was already done to me. It took a couple of days to show me the error of my ways.
However, if you do happen to do the race in mere panties, shoes and anklets, there is a simple cure. With large sized pump spray bottle, coat yourself liberally with #3 Kerosene and light a match. Wait 14 seconds and run, screaming as loudly as possible to the nearest body of water. Keep the run between 100 and 300 meters. Too short, and the cure may be incomplete. Too long, and the cure may be worse than the disease. (Let us separate that word: dis-ease. Note the prefix well.)
So, I'm sure Stephanie has warned you, but believe me when I say "SHE IS NO SISSY." If you complete this race (it will be most fun, creative and adventurous) without any skin irritation then you have either invested well in extreme chemical compounds or you have invested well in a high grade of Berber carpet or you are a big liar and you did not race. Have fun, and remember two things: "The skin you save could be your own" and "Biting back does not work."
Bill Donnelly
The One Who Strives for Mediocrity
